85 Broads Tragedy

Last summer, I met the most amazing woman, Janet Hanson, Goldman Sachs retiree who founded 85 Broads, a co-mentorship network. The way she impacted my life was she inspired me to read about the world, to be motivated, to be prepared, and to the follow goals that I held dear. She taught me to value my greatest asset, time. Most importantly, she taught me to give. Her husband told us that passion and preparation were the keys to happiness, and how right he was. Without her, I wouldn't have decided to follow my gut to go to China even if Tim changed his mind. I met Rick, William, Billy, Bennet, Justin, Doug, so many people with great personalties that have taught me more about life. I wouldn't have read so many books in one semester. I also learned to love mentoring people. Billy said to me, There are three kinds of people you need in this world: a mentor, a friend, and a mentee. I used to wonder why a mentee. But I realize I like to talk about my experiences and hope people learn from my mistakes. Today I received a letter and I couldn't help but cry.

December 07, 2007

Dear Friends,

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002, I sent an email out to the women in the 85 Broads network urging them to get mammograms and sonograms to detect BC, regardless of their age or family history.

I am writing to you today to tell you about my marriage of 19 years to the most wonderful guy on the planet, Jeff Hanson. Jeff and I were married in 1988 and we were blessed with two spectacular children, Meredith, who is now 19, and Christopher, who will be 17 next week.

There are literally thousands of women in 85 Broads who know Jeff as he attended almost every one of our events and from day one, dedicated himself to our mission "to help thousands of women around the globe define success on their own terms." Many of the women whose stories appear in "More Than 85 Broads" were interviewed by Jeff. What many people don't know is that it was Jeff who "ghost wrote" the introductions to all the chapters in the book As I said in the preface of the book, he was, and always will be, my hero. He was smart and funny and generous and as so many of you know, we were inseparable.

After I was operated on for breast cancer, I was told that it would be a wise decision to have my ovaries removed because of the "type" of breast cancer I had. That operation took place less than two months after I had a bilateral mastectomy. When you have your ovaries removed pre-menopausely you are thrown into what is known in the trade as "traumatic menopause." It means your system goes haywire as your body no longer produces estrogen.

Here is where this story takes a tragic turn: throughout my entire life I always felt extremely blessed to have an "upbeat" personality... a vigor that defied my age... to always be excited about everything. I never suspected that my "zest for life" was an illness. Over the years, it was not unusual for my friends to say "Janet, how can you possibly do so many different things at once?!" And I always laughed and thought it was because I had an entrepreneurial spirit and a passion to accomplish bigger and bigger goals in my life.

There are two types of bipolar disease. Bipolar I is extremely easy to diagnose as the individual is clearly and literally out of control. What I have only recently learned is that I suffer from Bipolar II which involves milder episodes of hypomania (one's mood is "elevated" for several days or weeks and doesn't cause any functional "impairment." ) These elevated moods alternate with feeling a little out of sorts, or "blue."

Typically, a Bipolar II sufferer fails to identify their days or weeks of hypomania as anything abnormal. In fact, they often believe that these periods are what makes their lives so fabulous! Dr. Daniel Lieberman: "People with Bipolar II value their hypomanic episodes highly, so it is imperative that physicians don't misdiagnose the illness and prescribe THE WRONG MEDICATION."

And sadly, that is what happened to me. After my body stopped producing estrogen, I went into a fog of bleak depression. My doctor treated my feelings of extreme sadness with anti-depressant medication. Only recently have many in the medical community come to realize that giving anti-depressant medication to someone who suffers (undiagnosed) from Bipolar II can do grievous harm as the effects of the medication cause a dramatic increase in "cycling" -- aka one's mood swings become more and more extreme.

And that's when the wheels came completely off the cart as the combination of anger and sadness that I was experiencing was terrifying. To make matters even worse, the anti-depressant I was taking caused rapid weight gain - in one year I gained over 30 pounds.

And virtually no one, not even close friends and family, knew what was going on. In the 3 years that followed, Jeff and I wrote and edited the book, I went to work for Lehman Brothers and Jeff took a full-time consulting job at C-Bass. I tried harder and harder to stay focused on our two wonderful children who were happily entering their teens.

Then something else started to happen... it became painfully obvious that I had "memory issues." I was always able to find my car keys but I started to repeat myself, often several times in the same hour. At first Jeff and Mer and Criff thought it was pretty funny, but as I became angry and frightened, they started to feel scared and sorry for me. And so in 2006, I added another prescription to my list- I was given Provigil to help me "focus." This was on top of sleeping medication that I took to alleviate insomnia and night sweats. I was now on a full-blown "medication roller coaster."

By the summer of 2006, Jeff had had enough. I had changed so dramatically that he was watching his own quality of life disappear. We had bought a little lake house not far from our home in Bedford and one day, Jeff moved out. I started "mood cycling" faster and faster as I couldn't make sense of what was happening. One day I would be the "nice Janet" and the next day I would be the "abusive Janet." Sometimes I would be both in the same day. Jeff had been the best husband, the best dad, the best partner any person on the entire planet could ever have, but he had had enough.

What would have made this terrible tragedy preventable is that we NEEDED HELP AS A FAMILY. Dr. Galynker, a leading expert in treating Bipolar II, was quoted in an article a month ago in the NY Times - he said: "A third of all spouses of patients with bipolar illness develop serious depression and anxiety themselves and that in turn affects the patient who is in need of a healthy caregiver."

What we didn't realize was that we were in the perfect storm. Everything that could go wrong did. I was misdiagnosed and was put on medication that exacerbated my mood swings-- I learned ONLY YESTERDAY that as a person who suffers from Bipolar II, I needed MOOD STABALIZERS, NOT ANTI-DEPRESSANTS.

I know you are all hoping that this story has a happy ending but that is what is so terribly sad. After a year of trying to figure out which end was up, Jeff asked for a legal separation and is now in a new relationship with a wonderful former girlfriend from his college days. I know they will have a great and happy life together.

As excruciatingly painful as it is for me to write this, if my story gives you insight and allows you to help someone you know and love who might have this illness then I will believe with all my heart that this network is a "safety net" too. Bipolar II is extremely difficult to diagnose and the wrong diagnosis can lead to the wrong medication which can spell disaster. Many of you no doubt wondered how it was possible that I never seemed to come up for air, that I always had my foot on the gas, that I had ten new great ideas at once, that I was always on a mission to save somebody or something.. I had the best life of anyone I know but I should have been smarter -- it's not possible to run an asset management company, a global network of thousands of women, a dedicated team of over a dozen professionals, work on Wall Street, and take care of two kids ALL AT THE SAME TIME. If I hadn't had cancer, if I hadn't had my ovaries removed, if I hadn't subsequently fallen into a black hole of depression and mistakenly been given the wrong medication which exacerbated an undiagnosed illness, I truly believe that Jeff Hanson would still be here today. I know we would have had a long and wonderful life together. I am grateful for the life we had and for our two beautiful children who are, and always will be, my rocks.

Thanks for listening.
Janet

I wanted to do something for her, so the only way I think I can is to let people know about her condition. What touches me most is her candid nature. I absolutely love Janet, and I only wish the best for her.

Last Days and cultural encounters

Today was the last for many things. In our Hanyu Class (for Chinese Grammar), instead of focusing on the quiz, we were preparing for our Wednesday party, since JiaMin and I are leaving next Sunday. I organized the list of who should bring what, which is interesting because my vocabulary for foods and utensils has gotten very flowery. It should've ended happily though, but my teacher started crying during break. Recently the guys in my class have been insensitive by talking about guy things. The problem is my Hanyu teacher laughs after everything so sometimes it is mistaken as a positive reinforcement. She said of all her classes, ours is the most difficult to handle. I think its because when she initiates discussions, things get out of control, so we saw it coming. We're buying her flowers. So yay, party and something to cheer her up.

In our Kouyu class, my teacher (a different one) was late. She was sweating, and tissue paper was in her hair. She said things were very lang3bei4, which means embarassing. Again, a guy said she must've been to propoganda, a night club. Female teachers in China tend to laugh it off, but I think it really gets to them when guys tease them in class. She handled it like a pro, and got on with her lesson.

In my business class, Doug initiated a discussion on the Favored Nations issue in the early 1990s by Bill Clinton. He asked would we support China economically even if they don't favor human rights. We all said yes, so there was no debate. But it led my teacher to talk about how it doesn't matter if China is communism or capitalistic, as long as it achieves economic development (black cat white cat), we should not continue to criticize their system. Then she asked the question, why are Americans trying to play teacher all the time. Damion said China is no angel. Magel said China is no devil either. Then Cortland asked why is China trying to be friends all the time, why are they promoting united peace, because if China was the superpower in the world, they would be flaunting it in US faces too. Then Magel said its not being friendly, its apart of Global Corporate Responsibility, that's what we have to do ethically to get things done. Then Gao Lao Shi argued that human rights might not be an issue in China, and it works without having freedom of speech, religion, demonstration, otherwise it would lead to events like the killing of 800 students at TianAnMen in 1989. Then Rick pulled out the argument that the reason why we fear this is although Mao was yesterday's leader, Jiang ZeMin/Hu Jin Tao/Wen JiaBao is today's leader, the next leader can completely change the stability of the government. Sure Mao is no longer in power, but without human rights and the system of checks and balances, with their promotion of unity and one voice, what we fear the most is Chinese people will always follow their leader, which with a corrupt government is 100% of a risk to the rest of the world. I just got out of class so this paragraph came out unclear. It makes me think though---That is the main reason we don't want communism in China. Being Chinese with parents who fled from a communist regime in Cambodia, it leads me to be biased and torn at the same time. I feel sympathetic that other countries don't support China because they follow a communistic structure, which according to my teacher is really a fusion of Gorbachov and the US system, capitalistic with Chinese characteristics. So apart of me says, US stop playing bully. But Mao killed alot of intellectuals, and I don't like when my teachers tell me how amazing Mao Zedong is. In Cambodia, people were educated with Chinese History and with communist books, which influenced Pol Pot, which is why my family was affected, why their friends were affected. So another part of me says, China don't get yourself into trouble again, we know what we're talking about. But I don't know, history doesn't necessarily repeat itself, does it? I remember talking to Ling about it earlier this semester and she said the US should focus on solve their own education problems first before they start criticizing other countries. It's true, we can't fix things that aren't in our control so we might as focus on ourselves for now. I guess I'm tired of thinking so much, I'm ready to go home and embrace my family with open arms (figuratively, because we don't need to hug to show we love each other). =)

"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"

I just finished the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". For those who say they misunderstand the opposite sex, this is a must read! Wow I never realized how different sexes misunderstand each other because of biological reasons which result in communication problems. I've noticed when I talk about my day to certain guys, they try to find a solution to my problem when all I want is for them to listen and empathize. It may sound irrational, but all I want is for them to say oh wow that sucks or have comforting words. Not try to fix a problem. And I notice that some guys don't really say anything. It's not even a sign of indifference, and its better just not to ask any more questions. The book also pointed out that we need to ask guys what we want. It reminded me of the first year of college when my roommate kept on asking her boyfriend for stuff and I thought she was overstepping her boundaries and using him was a bad thing. But apparently its a sign of love. We can expect him not to know and just say it to the point and directly. But all in all, everyone needs love. We just just fueled by it in different ways.

I like spending time with William. It's because I can be me. He also listens. We also enjoy life. The more I think about it, the more I realize that you can be hurt a bazillion times and still live through it. So just act on it, and after that vulnerable feeling goes away, it feels empowering.

My Good Luck Charm

I had the best four days I've had in a long time. It's all because of my bike. Seriously, just riding it around gets me to see people who also ride around, and I've had lunches and dinners with random people.

First off, the day I got my bike (Saturday), I rode it to the foodrepublic at ZhongguanCunPlaza. While there, I had the BEST chicken curry dish in a long time at the foodrepublic. Plus the Food Republic is essentially a health zone, emphazing fruits and eating right. I had an energizing smoothie for about$1. Then, I went to a coffee shop to read a book and have redbean with ice. It was fantastic. Right before I left the store, I heard an up and coming singer promoting her album. She looked like most girls in Beijing (very beautiful and young) wearing jeans and a nice top, but most of all, she had an amazing voice and it radiated within the plaza. I think she won some Chinese idol competition. I could be so wrong, but I'm glad I got to see someone who will be very famous in the not too distant future.

Then on Sunday, I rode my bike because I had to stop studying, and fortunately I met two of my favorite down to earth friends in the program, Bennet and Billy. Then we went to the Medicine House to eat some black chicken soup, kungpao chicken, and tomato and eggs. I thought it was nice, because it was a comfortable atmosphere and I had good company.

Then, when I went onto the elevator to bring my bike back to my room, I ran into William and Lydia. William, I haven't seen since Nanjing. Before Nanjing, I hadn't seen him since Zhengzhou. I figured it was time to have a nice chat. It was probably the best decision I've made. We talked until 3 AM about Buddhism and just enjoying life. Hen fang song!

Then William and I decided the next day to take the train to Chaoyang District. We stumbled onto the Pink line (THE NEW LINE), and it was just as amazing as Nanjing's, BUT even cleaner. We wanted to go to Maggie's, a foreigner's place. But when we got there, the guard asked me if I was really a foreigner. Then I spoke English, but he wasn't convinced. So we couldn't go in. Then William tells me that in the book he read, Chinese people are discriminated upon entering. Talk about feeling rejected. When we talked to the taxi driver, he even told us that if I wasn't there, William could've entered. He also said it was a whorehouse and most of the time only guys go there. *.* Then we went to Sanlitun to check out people, just a fun activity. But there was no one there on a Monday night. So we went to Houhai. It was so romantic. After walking into bars and being chased by a girl who tried to sell William flowers, we went back to Sanlitun for pizza, sandwiches, and carbonated drinks. I don't eat at12 at night ever. But since he paid an arm and a leg, I just broke a habit. No problem, it is just one day of my life, it was fun.

Today while I was riding my bike after studying, I stumbled onto Henry, our favorite KouYu comedian. He said he had tickets to CCTV, so I skipped one class to go. Since the media is controlled by the government, so I wanted to see how shady this was. IT WAS SHADY. We looked outside the location and it looked like a run down factory. Then you go inside and it looks like the SNL set in New York City, boundless technology. It was so fake though, because they said it was live on camera. And then, they made several cuts everytime the host would sweat or stumble on his words. The contestants were planted in the audience, although they looked randomly selected. And if the audience did something stupid, we'd have to work on our behavior. Talk about control. We left at some point. Before we left the factory, we watched another program being taped with a 5 guy boy band promoting their album on a TV show, like Regis and Kelly. Only the guy was Chinese, and the girl was Russian (SHE SPOKE PERFECT CHINESE and Henry called her a milf). The girl said something wrong, so they cut it, and the boy band reperformed their routine. I enjoyed watching them, but I'm disappointed that a live show was redone, and it loses the personality of the hosts. They're like robots.

Then, the other Henry who drove us there talked about how Beida was government patrolled. I never realized this until now. THERE are alot of government cars and officials on campus. Why wouldn't there be? Beida students participated in the mishap at TianAnMen and caused alot of riots in Chinese Modern History and the government needs to control that or else more people could die. We passed by the Marco Polo Bridge, where the Japanese invaded and killed Chinese people. It gets CHILLING when you live in Beida and drive through places where alot of killings took place. Henry also said his mom's friend lived in Beijing 20 years ago, and the biggest road we drove on (ZHONG GUAN CUN) used to be farmland. It's changed alot. Older people have no idea where they are in this perserved but quickly developing city.

Oh, at CCTV, I was with two Henry's and a different William that plays Badminton from Canada. When we got back to campus, William from Canada rode my bike and I thought he was so disproportional because of his height, like Nick's situation. After all, my bike's wheels are awfully small, but adorable. I played Badminton with him. I loved listening to his smashes. It sounds like Janiene's, only that because his arms are so long, he didn't have to jump or move far to control the net. I WATCHED IN AWE! I saw quite a few amazing players tonight, and they play it like the book. They hit it at the sweet spot, kept clearing, and stayed on their feet. It brought back memories of high school, only they played at a level I've only seen on TV. I totally respect that, except when I wanted to join the club, they said because my experience is not enough, they don't want me to be apart of it. That's ASHAME! These are world class players, and four years of high school Badminton isn't even enough to enter the club, not the team.

But anyway, my bike has brought me good luck for the past three days. I recommend getting a bike because I've seen so much more, eaten so much better food, and I come across incredible people. I've only had my bike for five days. Whoever told me its too late to buy a bike clearly doesn't have one.

This Weekend

I started thinking about how I only have a month and a half left. This is essentially what occurred this weekend.

1. I got hit by a bus.
2. Got a milkshake from McDonalds.
3. I bought a bike.
4. I went to club Taku.
5. found books for Wharton for $20.

Yeah, so I didn't want to walk to WuDaoKou, so I hopped behind Bennett's motorbike. We tried to squeeze in between a bus and we didn't make it. He fell when his seat flew off, I fell when my face slid on the slide of the bus. It happened in a matter of seconds. We weren't hurt. But we could have been. I'm shaken, but on the upside, we are alive AND in one peace.

When I made it to Wudaokou, I saw that McD was opened. It reminded me of the time when I missed the train to Shanghai over the summer with Ling, Jenn, and Geraldine. So Siwen brought me to McD and I had my first milkshake at McDonalds. I've always been against fast food restaurants, but that night I made an exception.

Yesterday, Nick and I talked about buying those bikes with small wheels. He looked so cute because he's so tall and the bike is so small. We bought two matching ones today so we can ride to class as a pair. I rode all over Beida today. It was worth it, because I realized I know nothing about my campus.

Nick, Ben, and I went to Taku for Ben's birthday. While there, an Argentinian girl picked up my phone number and asked me to dance with her again. She was nice. Then I danced with a Spanish guy, which Ben agrees was really cute.

We went to the bookstore and I found that so many books I paid an arm and a leg for in college are worth $20 here. better load up! Let me know if you guys need any.

It's been exhiliarating, and its only Saturday.

Memoirs

CIEE has notified us that a magazine is seeking submissions from students who study abroad in China to write about their experience in order to promote studying abroad. I like that. It gives me a reason to start on my memoirs because I didn't have an incentive before and this blog has become more of my daily occurances unrelated to China. If I get published, great. If I don't, at least I have something I can take back home and read to my kids someday.

Win-win.